Conversation Spoilers
I have learnt so many things this year (from my counselling course) that I wish I had known years ago; things like, how people communicate (for better or for worse) based on the phrases they use.
Well, I don't know about you, but I can firmly lay the blame for some of my 'Humpdingers' on my mother!
Even though, I catch myself these days (well, usually!), I know that these phrases are 'conversation spoilers' of the worst kind. They inform the person that I am having a conversation with - that they are less than intelligent, not to be trusted and that I am not invested in them. Ooh, boy!
But, why don't we know all of this as adults? Don't we have relationship and conversational learning at school? No, actually we don't! And that is a pity! I mean, how much better would the world would be, if all primary (elementary) schools taught children how to talk to each other and how to build relationships?
If anything, we are talking less to each other, and more to ourselves, funny cats on Facebook or our ipads!
Okay, so what are these spoilers you ask? (I can't possibly be that ignorant! I'm sure I don't use them!)
Well, here they are... given to me by one of my lecturers and the first thing I said was, "Ooh Jesus! Now I know why my family don't always get along! We use most of these in our conversations."
The Fault Finding Safari
Carl Rodgers once said that the major barrier to interpersonal communication lies in our very natural tendency to judge - to approve or disapprove of the statements of the other person.
Here are the types of spoilers that are often used and some examples. Look for the one's you use often and gauge whether it has an effect on the person you say it to the most often. Reality Check!
Read it to the end - it will change your life!
The Judging Phrases
Judging, when no judging is required, because it feeds a need to be superior.
- Criticizing
Making a negative evaluation of the other person, their actions or attitudes.
Example: "Haven't you got a job yet?"
- Name Calling
Stereotyping or putting down the other person by labeling/ classifying them in a box. Making it appear as if we know them, when in fact we have caught the shadow, not the substance.
Example: "All young mothers are on Centrelink / welfare benefits."
- Diagnosing (My family do this!)
Analyzing why a person is behaving a certain way and playing psychoanalyst. Knowing better than you do, they jump ahead to fix things instead of listening and hearing you out. They SHUT DOWN the conversation because they are uncomfortable or don't really want to listen.
Example: "You are just being a victim!" "You are just too sensitive!"
- Praising Evaluatively
Sweet and light praise, followed by a hammer blow! (or vice-versa) They are patronizing and bloody unhelpful.
Example: "It is great that you are writing it down, but why don't you do something about it?"
"Your sister is the pretty one, but you have all the brains."
Sending Solutions
Disempowering phrases.
- Ordering
Commanding the other person to do what you want next. The other person does not have the intelligence to work it out for themselves.
Example: "Don't climb the tree, you will fall down!"
- Threatening
Example: "Don't go back to your husband or I will wash my hands of you!"
- Moralizing
Preaching your values and pushing them onto another.
Example: "A normal person would not do that!" " A good girl does not get tattoos!"
- Inappropriate Questioning
The Spanish inquisition never look so good! These are close ended questions and smack of intimidation/ abuse and completely invade your privacy.
Example: "Why did you do that? Haven't I told you not to do that again? What is wrong with you? Haven't you got a brain in your head?"
- Advising
Here's a solution, now shut the hell up! Giving solutions to shut down the conversation.
Example: "Do this, if you know what's good for you!"
Avoiding the other's real concerns
How to get the conversation off track, super fast!
(I know a lot of people who use these, because they don't want to invest in people.)
- Diverting
Pushing aside the other's issues through distraction.
Example: "Anyways..." "Anyhow..." "Talking of which..."
- Logical Argument (Guys tend to use this)
An attempt to convince the other with an appeal to facts or logic; usually ignoring all emotional factors involved. A cut across the subject matter with a logical knife!
Example; "Are you sure you want this baby? It is hard to be a single mother these days!"
- Reassuring
Trying to stop the other person from feeling negative emotions and not really hearing them.
Example; " Never mind, things will get better!" "There is light at the end of the tunnel!" " Sleep on it!"
- Roadblock 13 (This is a doozie!)
Telling the other person that they are sending roadblocks. Sometimes people do send roadblocks when they feel ordered, controlled, threatened or moralized during conversations, but telling them that will shut down communication, pronto!
Example: " Why are you so controlling?" "You are being so manipulative!" " Why can't you just listen?"
Summary:
No doubt you have heard your mother, husband, friend or yourself in these examples! In fact, when we find time after time, that we are not heard - by the people who are supposed to care about us, we just stop talking and avoid conversations altogether.
This is how break ups start, people stray and family feuds begin.
I hope this has been helpful to you.
Best regards,
Ghita
The Counselling Student
Thank you to Evocca College for the original material that I rewrote.
http://thecounsellingstudent.blogspot.com.au/
ghitaandersen.com
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